Your Vagina is Not a Gateway to Narnia: A Letter to Myself
This is your older/wiser self writing you from one week in the future. Growing up is all about learning and reflecting on your past mistakes. So, I wanted to write this because I’ve learned stuff. Pretty important stuff. Here’s my message to you, dumber version of me.
1. On Monday you’ll go to an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet. Let’s be clear here, all-you-can-eat means YOU, not Lebron James. It means eat until you’re comfortably full, not eat until you want to vomit and are incapable of moving. Eating four pieces of Naan is a bad idea. Going back for seconds (and then thirds) is also a bad idea that will ruin your night and make you look mildly pregnant.
2. On Tuesday you’ll take an overnight bus for twelve hours to go home. You’re too old for overnight buses. Stop being a cheap asshole and buy a damn plane ticket like a real ass adult. Also, why did you think it was ok to go to an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet before a 12 hour bus ride? And for the love of God, Bring a blanket. You know better. The bus is cold as shit and you’ll sit there shivering for all 12 hours.
3. Pack your computer charger. You’re going to forget it next to your bed, which means you’ll spend all of Wednesday carefully conserving what little battery you have left. Now is NOT the time to watch motivational videos on YouTube.
4. Your friends at home are married. They have real jobs. That means Thirsty Thursday actually means sit around at home and watch Lifetime Movies. But don’t watch two in a row, because you’re essentially just watching the exact same movie. Yes, that guy is a psycho. Yes, a bunch of people die. Yes, both of the movies are cast with the director’s cousins who happened to be free on the day of filming.
5. Establish a method of communication with the boy you’re seeing while you’re gone so you don’t obsessively check your phone. Stop analyzing every “Hi”. (Does his lack of emojis indicate disinterest?) AND PACK YOUR FREAKING computer charger…because like I said, your friends are married and you have too much free time, which means you’ll spend a lot of it trying to decipher what’s going on with said boy. When he sends you a song, he sent it because he thinks you’ll like it, not because the lyrics have a special hidden meaning and he totally misses you. Don’t ask him about it. Then you can avoid the awkward conversation that follows where he says he just thought you’d like her voice.
6. When you go to get new birth control (just in-case there’s future sexy times with said boy) Do your research. You don’t know this now because you’re dumb and grossly under-educated about your sexual organs. But, GET READY FOR THIS, the Nuvaring can’t “get lost” in your vagina because “your vagina is only 3–5 inches long and it’s not the Gateway to Narnia.”
TL;DR So basically, last week me, the point of all of this is that your Vagina is not the gateway to Narnia.