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How to Add Sex Toys in the Bedroom

“Why use sex toys?” our amazing Sex Educator, Laura Delarato, begins. She’s cracking jokes and making sure everyone feels comfortable.

It’s 9:00 pm on a Wednesday. I’m sitting in a class at the Pleasure Chest on the Upper East Side learning about how to incorporate sex toys into the bedroom. I’m here because I’m sexually inexperienced and my love life sucks. After a five-year dry spell, I’m trying to get my mojo back by exploring the sex and dating scene of New York City.

I’m a total noob when it comes to sex toys. I barely use them alone, let alone with a partner.

But I want to. Because I believe good sex is part of a healthy relationship. I’m hoping that I’ll find a partner who wants to explore. I’m taking copious notes, just-in-case I ever have sex again.

“Sex toys can spice things up. It’s a great way to explore each other’s bodies and add extra stimulation. It’s an easy way to get off alone or to make yourself or your partner come,” she says.

“There are a lot of Myths around using sex toys, so we’re gonna start there” Laura says, pulling up a PowerPoint full of funny gifs.

“Myth 1: Sex Toys are Just for Women,” she says. “Sex toys are for all bodies. What about putting a vibrator against your cheek while giving a blowjob? Or using it to relax the sphincter muscles of the anus.”

I turn to my friend, jaw agape. We both make a, “Oh, that never even crossed my mind,” face. I write down the blowjob one and place a star next to it.

“Myth 2: You Will Become Dependent on Sex Toys: Sex toys don’t replace people. Sex is 90% mental. You aren’t gonna hold hands with your vibrator. Women are afraid that they’ll lose the ability to orgasm from oral or penetrative sex if they become ‘addicted’ to their vibrator. Men are worried that they won’t be able to “live up” to the stimulation of a toy. There’s no research that suggests this is true. So, using a sex toy occasionally is totally fine.”

Cool, she’s got my buy-in. What’s next?

If you’re like me and a total beginner, walking into a sex store or shopping online can seem overwhelming. Where do you start? If you’re using sex toys alone, figure out what seems interesting and then try it. If you’re using them with your partner, follow these steps:

Step 1: Talk About It:

People think that talking about these things can ruin the element of surprise but it’s actually a great way to begin the fantasy. Start out by imagining a scene together. “You come home and I’m wearing.... We move to the bedroom and I pull out my vibrator and run it along your arm before kissing my way downwards.” Or whatever. Build up the anticipation by fantasizing about it together. Verbalize what you want and encourage your partner to verbalize what they want.

Step 2: Actually Buy the Toy.

Laura explained the different categories of sex toys. There are external toys, like vibrators and cock rings. Internal Toys like anal beads and dildos. Jerk-off toys like the Tenga egg, which sits over the head, the most sensitive part of the penis. Finally, Sensory Play toys like whips and candles.

Laura described each category in great detail. My biggest takeaways were:

Cock rings go around BOTH the testicles and the penis.

Anal toys need a base. Otherwise, they could get sucked up and then stuck. Talk about an awkward way to wind up in the hospital.

For sensory toys, buy objects designed specifically for sex play. For example, a regular candle might actually burn you.

Spit is not lube, it evaporates too quickly. Buy Lube.

Step 3: Maintain Communication With Your Partner While Using The Toy:

Like anything sex-related, communication is key. Be verbal with your partner about what feels good and doesn’t feel good. Tell them where to move, how much pressure they should use. If something hurts, tell them to stop.

Step 4: Enjoy

There’s something wonderful about finding new ways to make your partner feel good. Sex is a primal instinct and a healthy part of a good relationship. Sex toys can add another element of intimacy or fun. So, go out and explore. If you’re looking for a place to start, you can find Laura at the Pleasure Chest.

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