I Write about SEX.
Hi. My name is Olive and I write about sex.
Not always. Not often. But occasionally. More frequently than most people. Sometimes comedically.
Last week I wrote an article about Pornfest. I watched Cindy Gallop, advertising guru and founder of Makelovenotporn tweet quotes from the article to her 50,000 followers.
50,000 people who now know that I like to watch pegging porn.
50,000 people who potentially think I’m a bold leader in de-stigmatizing sex. Someone courageous enough to publicly join the conversation about sexuality.
I want to be this person. I really do.
My friend, Gigi Engle is that person. Gigi is the sex columnist at Elite Daily. She’s bold. Unapologetic. She uses the words “anal” and “orgasm” like other people talk about their cats. SHE OWNS IT.
I’ll be honest, I feel a little uncomfortable writing about sex.
I cringe when I write the word orgasm. I panic thinking about my relatives knowing what kind of porn I like. I worry that people's perception of me as a kind and thoughtful person will somehow change because I occasionally write about sex. What if I start dating someone and it comes up at Thanksgiving? What if my future potential boyfriend is freaked out by all of it.
For growing up in a non-religious household, I have an outrageous amount of Catholic Guilt. I don't know where it comes from but it's there, constantly nagging me. It's there when I'm doing something that isn't mainstream acceptable. It's there when I'm watching porn or listening to someone rave about butt plugs.
It's this feeling like I'm doing something bad.
And THAT, dear friends, is EXACTLY why I’m writing this book. I don't want to feel this way.
It's why, despite these feelings, I write articles anyway.
As a society, we need to stop pretending that sex doesn't exist. It's as primal as eating, yet we don't talk about it. This lack of communication creates a weird stigma, the same stigma that makes me feel like writing about it is bad. It creates unhealthy relationships where people are incapable of expressing their needs.
For the last five years I didn't talk about sex. As a result, I didn't have great relationships or good sex (or any sex, really). With this book, I'm trying to do things differently.
I want to have a healthy, loving relationship. Part of that is great sex.
Here's how you have great sex:
Step 1: Figure out what gets you and your partner off.
Step 2: Explore and see if there are other things that get you or your partner off
Step 3: Have an honest & open conversation about these things with your partner.
I think a lot of people are afraid to say, "I was thinking it might be fun to try..." They're afraid that their partner will think they're weird or a total freakshow.
It's like dating a vegetarian when you really love steak. You want to tell your partner how much you adore steak, how much it satisfies you, but you're afraid they'll reject you. So you eat quinoa burgers and secretly crave steak. Maybe you even get to a point where you're so desperate for meat that you sneak it on the side.
But what if you just said, "I really love steak."
Maybe your partner will leave you. Maybe not. Probably not.
And if they leave you, GREAT! Although it stings in the short-term, they're releasing you to find a long-term partner who is cool with the fact that you like steak.
So, I'm on this journey because I want to challenge my own preconceived notions and fears around intimacy. I believe this will build the foundation for a future partnership that involves open communication and great sex.
Honestly, I want the same for you.
That's a huge part of why I'm sharing my journey.There's solidarity in sharing a story. If you need it, I hope this book will give you the courage to have a conversation about sex. I hope you'll read something and think,"that might be interesting to try." I hope you'll feel empowered and brave enough to talk to your partner about it. I hope that leads to a healthy, long-lasting and fulfilling relationship.
So, I’m not the frontrunner of any women’s liberation movement, or the face of the sex-positive community. I'm not having insane sex with multiple partners at amazing orgies (though that's totally cool too).
I'm just one person trying to find a companion. And part of that journey involves exploring sex.
Hang on, the ride is about to get interesting.